Below is a humorous, fictional resume for Albert Einstein, the legendary physicist. I've imagined it as if he were applying for a modern job in tech or academia, with plenty of tongue-in-cheek references to his real-life exploits. (Disclaimer: This is all in good fun—no historical figures were harmed in the making of this resume.)

Albert Einstein
Theoretical Physicist Extraordinaire & Reluctant Hair Icon
Address: The Speed of Light (Relatively Speaking), Zurich, Switzerland (or Princeton, NJ – time is relative)
Phone: E=mc² (Call me; I'll explain the math)
Email: relativitygenius@universe.com
LinkedIn: /in/einstein (Endorsed for "Thinking Outside the Box" by 1.21 Gigawatts of Followers)
Objective: Seeking a role where I can bend space-time without bending over backwards. Open to remote work—I've got a theory that works from anywhere.

Visionary thinker with over a century of disrupting paradigms. Inventor of relativity, photoelectric effect, and the ultimate bad hair day. Proven track record of turning "impossible" into "E=mc²." Excel at quantum leaps in innovation, though I occasionally trip over black holes. Fun fact: Once won a Nobel Prize for something I did while daydreaming on a patent office stool.

Chief Relativity Officer
Institute for Advanced Study, Princeton, NJ
1933–1955

• Developed the Theory of General Relativity, proving gravity is just the universe's way of keeping us grounded (literally).
• Collaborated with global teams to explain why time flies when you're having fun (or moving really fast).
• Avoided meetings by pondering the cosmos; increased productivity by 299,792 km/s.
• Fun achievement: Made the atomic bomb theoretically possible, then spent the rest of my life regretting it. (Lesson learned: Think before you fission.)

Patent Clerk Extraordinaire
Swiss Patent Office, Bern, Switzerland
1902–1909

• Reviewed inventions while secretly inventing the fabric of reality. Multitasking level: God Mode.
• Approved patents for mundane gadgets; rejected my own ideas because they were "too out there." (Spoiler: They weren't.)
• Turned a desk job into a launchpad for scientific revolution. Pro tip: Boredom is the mother of invention.

Freelance Violinist & Thought Experimenter
Various Cafes and Daydreams, Europe
1895–Present (in spirit)

• Performed solo gigs on violin to unwind from unraveling the universe.

• Conducted thought experiments like "What if I rode a beam of light?" (Answer: You'd get a speeding ticket from physics.)

• Ghostwrote fan mail to myself under pseudonyms to boost morale.

• Physics Mastery: Can explain quantum entanglement without entangling myself in jargon. (Entanglement status: It's complicated.)

• Time Management: Manipulated time dilation to make deadlines feel eternal.

• Problem-Solving: Solved the universe's biggest riddles; still can't figure out socks in the dryer.

• Languages: Fluent in German, English, Math, and Sarcasm. Basic proficiency in Cat Herding (theoretical only).

• Soft Skills: Excellent at relativity checks (e.g., "It's all relative, boss"). Poor at small talk unless it involves wormholes.

• Technical Proficiencies: Slide rule (vintage), chalkboard doodling, and avoiding combs.

Ph.D. in Physics
University of Zurich, Switzerland
1905 (Dissertation: "A New Determination of Molecular Dimensions" – basically, "Stuff is Small")

• Graduated summa cum laude while questioning the very nature of "graduation."

High School Dropout (Self-Taught Genius Track)
Various Libraries and My Own Brain
1890s

• Skipped formalities; learned everything from books and sheer stubbornness. GPA: Infinite.

• Nobel Prize in Physics (1921) – For services to theoretical physics (not the hair, surprisingly).

• Time Magazine's "Person of the Century" (1999) – Beat out everyone else by a relativity thin margin.

• Unofficial: World's Most Famous Tongue-Stick-Out Photo (ongoing viral sensation).

• God (plays dice; don't tell anyone).

• Marie Curie (would glowingly recommend me).

• Schrödinger's Cat (available upon request... or not).

Personal Interests: Sailing (against the wind of convention), pacifism, and arguing with quantum mechanics. Motto: "Imagination is more important than knowledge... but knowledge pays the bills."

Willing to relocate to any dimension. Let's make some waves (or particles)!

There you go—Einstein's resume with a comedic twist! If you'd like one for a different historical figure (like Cleopatra or Napoleon), just let me know. 😊

Below is a humorous, fictional resume for Napoleon Bonaparte, the pint-sized emperor with a flair for drama and an unhealthy obsession with conquering Europe. I've formatted it like a modern resume, but with a historical twist for laughs.

Napoleon Bonaparte
Emperor Extraordinaire & Short King Icon
Waterloo, Belgium (Currently in Exile on St. Helena – No WiFi, Send Carrier Pigeons)
Phone: +33-EMP-EROR (Signal Spotty in the Afterlife)
Email: vive.la.france@conqueror.com
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/napoleon-the-great (500+ Connections, Mostly Dead Generals)

Dynamic leader seeking a challenging role in global domination or bakery management (I love croissants). Proven track record in turning small ideas into massive empires. Open to relocation, but no snowy places—Russia was a dealbreaker.

Emperor of the French
French Empire, Paris, France
1804–1815 (With a Brief Comeback in 1815)

• Led a ragtag army of cheese enthusiasts to conquer half of Europe, including Italy, Spain, and that one awkward family reunion in Austria.
• Implemented the Napoleonic Code: Because who doesn't love laws that say "Equality for all... except my enemies"? Reduced paperwork by 50% through efficient beheadings.
• Masterminded iconic battles like Austerlitz (won) and Waterloo (lost, but hey, it inspired an ABBA song). Increased team morale with motivational speeches like "Soldiers, you are naked and ill-fed... charge!"
• Diversified portfolio by crowning myself emperor in a DIY ceremony. Saved on catering costs.
• Fun Fact: Invented the concept of "power naps" during long marches. (Not related to my height—stop asking.)

First Consul of France
French Republic, Paris, France
1799–1804

• Overthrew a corrupt government faster than you can say "coup d'état." Streamlined bureaucracy by eliminating rivals (politely, with cannons).
• Sold Louisiana to the Americans for pocket change—best real estate flip ever. Used profits to fund more hats.
• Reformed education, banking, and roads. Basically built modern France while juggling mistresses and military campaigns. Multitasking level: Expert.

Artillery Officer & Aspiring World Ruler
French Army, Various Battlefields
1793–1799

• Started from the bottom (Corsica, literally an island) and rose to the top by blowing things up creatively.

• Defended Toulon from royalists; rewarded with promotion and a fancy uniform.

• Honeymooned in Egypt while "liberating" artifacts (pyramids not included). Discovered the Rosetta Stone—great for my hieroglyphic side hustle.

• Leadership: Motivated armies of thousands to march across continents on an empty stomach. Charisma: 10/10 (Even if height: 5/6).

• Strategic Planning: Excelled at chess, but with real people and horses. Weakness: Winter weather apps didn't exist yet.

• Multilingual: Fluent in French, Italian, and Passive-Aggressive Diplomacy. Can curse in Russian after that one trip.

• Innovation: Created canned food for troops (spoiler: it worked, but tasted like defeat).

• Personal Branding: Turned "short man syndrome" into a global empire. Iconic hand-in-jacket pose: Patented.

• Soft Skills: Excellent at exiling myself when things go south. Resilience: Bounced back from multiple defeats like a rubber emperor.

École Militaire
Paris, France
Graduated 1785 (42nd in Class—But Who's Counting?)

• Majored in Artillery and World Domination. Minored in Corsican Swagger.

• Thesis: "How to Conquer Europe on a Budget." GPA: Classified (But probably an A+ in Ambition).

• Legion of Honor (Founded it myself—nepotism at its finest).

• Title of "The Little Corporal" (Affectionate nickname from troops; not a height joke, I swear).

• Featured in countless history books, movies, and memes. Influencer status: Eternal.

• Josephine (Ex-Wife): "Charming, but don't let him near Russia."

• Duke of Wellington: "Great strategist, terrible at quitting while ahead."

• Available upon request (But most are ghosts now).

Hobbies: Collecting crowns, posing for portraits, and plotting comebacks. Willing to start immediately—Vive la Révolution!

There you go! If you'd like me to tweak it for a different historical figure (like Cleopatra or Einstein), just let me know. 😊

Below is a humorous, fictional resume for Napoleon Bonaparte, reimagined as if he were applying for a modern CEO position. I've kept it light-hearted, with some anachronistic twists for laughs.

Napoleon Bonaparte
Emperor of Efficiency
Waterloo, France (Relocated for "strategic reasons")
Email: emperor.napoleon@conqueror.com
Phone: +33-1-800-VIVE-LA-FRANCE
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/shortkingofstrategy
Height: 5'7" (or 5'2" if you're British – fake news!)

Dynamic leader with a proven track record of scaling empires from humble origins to continental dominance. Expert in rapid expansion, crisis management, and motivational speeches (e.g., "From the heights of these pyramids, 40 centuries look down upon us!"). Seeking a corner office where I can Napole-on some fresh challenges. Weakness: Snowy retreats. Strength: Cannonball confidence.

Emperor of the French & King of Italy
French Empire, Europe
1804–1815 (with a brief hiatus for island vacation)

• Led aggressive market expansion, acquiring 720,000 square kilometers of new territory (that's like buying Spain on Black Friday).
• Revolutionized supply chain logistics by marching armies across Europe faster than Amazon Prime delivery.
• Implemented the Napoleonic Code: A groundbreaking HR policy that standardized laws, reduced bureaucracy, and ensured everyone knew their rights (except mine – I was the boss).
• Managed a team of 600,000+ direct reports; boosted morale with epic battles and fancy hats.
• Fun fact: Turned a disastrous Egyptian campaign into a branding win by "discovering" ancient artifacts (resume padding at its finest).

First Consul of France
French Republic, Paris
1799–1804

• Overthrew incompetent management in a bloodless coup (HR called it a "restructuring").
• Balanced the budget by selling Louisiana to the U.S. for pocket change – greatest real estate flip in history (sorry, Zillow).
• Pioneered infrastructure projects: Built more roads, canals, and bridges than a bored beaver. Increased GDP by 200% without PowerPoint.

Artillery Officer & General
French Revolutionary Army, Various Battlefields
1793–1799

• Entry-level role where I cannon-balled my way to the top. Specialized in turning sieges into success stories (Toulon: From "hopeless" to "hero" in one bombardment).

• Directed high-stakes projects in Italy and Egypt; managed diverse teams including camels and mummies.

• Achieved 100% win rate in early campaigns – until weather apps were invented.

• Strategic Planning: Master of the flanking maneuver (works on battlefields and boardrooms).

• Leadership: Inspired loyalty from millions; can make interns feel like conquering heroes.

• Negotiation: Sold ice to Eskimos (or at least, convinced Russians to fight in winter).

• Multitasking: Painted the Sistine Chapel? Nah, but I did invent a whole legal system while invading countries.

• Languages: Fluent in French, Italian, Corsican, and Sarcasm. Basic Russian (mostly "retreat!").

• Technical Proficiencies: Excel at Excel-ling in artillery calculations; proficient in Horseback 2.0 and Sword (legacy software).

École Militaire
Paris, France
Graduated 1785 (42nd in class – but who’s counting? Everyone below me is forgotten).

• Majored in Military Tactics with a minor in World Domination.
• Thesis: "How to Turn a Revolution into a Personal Brand."

Self-Taught Genius
Ongoing

• Read every book on history, math, and philosophy. Basically a walking Wikipedia before it existed.

• Legion of Honor (Founder and First Recipient – nepotism? Never heard of it).

• Crowned Myself Emperor (DIY coronation; saved on catering).

• Featured in countless history books, movies, and that one ABBA song ("Waterloo").

• Josephine Bonaparte: Ex-wife, but still a fan. "He conquered my heart... briefly."

• Duke of Wellington: "A worthy adversary. Just don't mention heights."

• Available upon request (but not from the Russians – they're still salty).

Note: Willing to relocate, but not to Elba or St. Helena. No drug tests required – my only vice is ambition.

There you go! If you'd like me to tweak it for a different historical figure (like Cleopatra or Einstein), just let me know. 😊

Below is a funny, fictional resume for Napoleon Bonaparte, the pint-sized emperor with a flair for drama and an unfortunate habit of overreaching. I've formatted it like a modern resume to amp up the humor—imagine him applying for a CEO gig at a bakery chain.

Napoleon Bonaparte
Address: Elba Island (formerly Waterloo Exile Pad), France
Phone: 1-800-CONQUER
Email: emperor@frenchrevolution.com
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/short-tempered-strategist

Ambitious leader seeking to conquer new territories in a dynamic corporate environment. Proven track record in rapid expansion, but open to roles without Russian winters or British naval blockades. No height requirements, please—I'm dynamite in small packages.

Emperor of the French
French Empire, Paris, France
1804–1815 (with a brief hiatus for island time)

• Led a team of millions in ambitious projects across Europe, expanding operations from France to... well, most of Europe (temporarily).
• Implemented innovative "Code Napoleon" HR policies, standardizing laws and boosting employee morale (until the morale-boosting guillotines got involved).
• Directed high-stakes mergers and acquisitions (e.g., annexed Spain, Italy, and a chunk of Germany—sorry, no refunds).
• Managed crisis communications during Waterloo setback; spun it as "strategic regrouping" (spoiler: it wasn't).
• Fun fact: Introduced canned food to armies—because who doesn't love mystery meat on the march?

First Consul of France
French Republic, Paris, France
1799–1804

• Overthrew a dysfunctional government in a "coup d'état" that was basically a fancy PowerPoint presentation with cannons.
• Streamlined bureaucracy, reducing red tape by 50% (mostly by ignoring it).
• Balanced the budget through creative financing (i.e., selling Louisiana to the Americans for beer money).

Artillery Officer / Aspiring World Domination Intern
French Army, Various Battlefields
1785–1799

• Excelled in entry-level cannon-firing role; promoted rapidly due to explosive performance reviews.

• Defended against royalist uprisings and foreign invaders; invented the "blitzkrieg" before it was cool (patent pending).

• Moonlighted as a strategist in Egypt—pyramids were great for team-building exercises, but the sand got everywhere.

• Strategic Planning: Mastered chess on a continental scale; can outmaneuver competitors while wearing a fabulous hat.

• Leadership: Inspired loyalty in troops (until the whole "freezing in Russia" thing—lessons learned).

• Multilingual: Fluent in French, Italian, and Broken English (as in, "I broke England... almost").

• Negotiation: Sold half of North America for a steal; open to haggling over office snacks.

• Adaptability: Thrived in exile twice—turned St. Helena into a productive "work from home" setup.

• Weaknesses: Allergic to tall people and British admirals. Prone to "Napoleon complexes" (but hey, it's a feature, not a bug).

École Militaire
Paris, France
Graduated 1785 (42nd in class—top 50 ain't bad!)

• Majored in Artillery and Minored in Megalomania.

• Thesis: "How to Crown Yourself Emperor Without Inviting Your Family."

• Legion of Honor (self-awarded, but it counts).

• World's Shortest Emperor (unofficial Guinness record).

• Battle of Austerlitz MVP (1805)—beat two empires before brunch.

• Josephine (ex-wife): "Charming, but don't let him near your crown jewels."

• Duke of Wellington: "Formidable opponent—would hire for sales, not logistics."

• Available upon request (but not from the Russians; they're still salty).

Fun Fact: I once posed for a painting with my hand in my coat—it's not a tummy ache; it's where I keep my secret battle plans. Willing to relocate (except back to Corsica—too many goats).

There you go! If you'd like a resume for a different historical figure (like Cleopatra as a marketing exec or Einstein as a time-travel consultant), just let me know. 😄

Name: Leonardo da Vinci
Title: Full‑Stack Renaissance Human

Objective

• Seeking a role where curiosity is not only allowed but budgeted, ideally with access to a well-lit studio, an anatomically cooperative cadaver, and patrons who understand the phrase “greatness takes time.”

Summary

• Polymath with 20+ years of experience in visual content creation, human-centered design, applied curiosity, and speculative aviation. Demonstrated ability to ideate, prototype, and occasionally finish.

Experience

• Principal Visual Storyteller (Freelance), Various Cities, 1481–1519

  • Delivered iconic brand assets including “Mona Lisa” (ongoing maintenance), “The Last Supper” (wall-adhesion challenges noted).
  • Developed innovative glazing workflows that increased depth, mystery, and future museum attendance.

• R&D Engineer, Self-Funded Skunkworks, 1485–1519

  • Designed parachutes, helicopters, tanks, and bridges no one asked for but everyone later wished they had.
  • Conducted user testing for flying machines; results inconclusive, gravity very conclusive.

• Anatomical Researcher, Nights & Weekends, 1490–1515

  • Performed hundreds of dissections to map human systems; produced industry-leading diagrams competitors couldn’t stomach.
  • Significantly improved “how organs actually look” accuracy rates across Europe.

• Court Entertainer & Event Producer, Milan and Beyond, 1482–1499

  • Invented stage effects, moving sets, and party experiences with strong word-of-mouth and mild fire risk.
  • Increased patron engagement with robotic lions and musical interludes; NPS: “Whoa.”

• Urban Planner (Consulting), 1487–1490

  • Proposed hygienic, flood-resistant city layouts; stakeholders called them “ambitious,” “visionary,” and “we don’t have the budget.”

Selected Projects

• Mona Lisa: A/B tested 200 layers of glaze; achieved world-class enigmatic conversion rate.
• Vitruvian Man: Human-centered measuring tool; perfect circle-squared alignment delivered on-time, shirt optional.
• The Last Supper: Large-format team lunch portrait; noted for dynamic composition, mixed reviews on drywall longevity.
• Bridge for the Sultan: Single-span, flat-pack concept; IKEA wept.
• Flying Machine: Pioneered “bring your own updraft” platform; roadmap includes “stop crashing.”

Skills

• Hard skills: Oil painting, fresco (caveats apply), mechanical design, hydraulics, anatomy, cartography, prototyping, perspective, mural-scale sighing.
• Soft skills: Radical curiosity, cross-disciplinary fluency, stakeholder wrangling, elegant procrastination, mirror writing for security by obscurity.
• Tools: Quill, silverpoint, scalpel, pulleys, levers, vibes.
• Project Management: Milestones achieved eventually; scope managed via “Wouldn’t it be cooler if…?”

Education & Training

• Apprenticeship under Andrea del Verrocchio: Painting, sculpture, problem escalation.
• Self-directed coursework: Nature, everything in it, up to and including clouds.

Awards

• “Most Likely to Add One More Layer” (self-nominated)
• “Inventor of Things That Shouldn’t Work But Might” (peer-reviewed by me)

Publications

• Notebooks (Codex Atlanticus, Codex Leicester, assorted napkins): 5-star reviews from people who can read backward.
• “On Painting” (drafts): The book on why yours is wrong and mine takes time.

Languages

• Italian (native), Latin (scholastic), French (polite court level), Mirror-Italian (fluent, private).

Interests

• Freeing birds purchased from markets, cloud watching, polite dissections, shiny gears, long walks on harbors imagining submarines.

Patrons

• Medici family, Ludovico Sforza, Pope Leo X, King Francis I. All paid in exposure and sometimes money.

Certifications

• Guild of St. Luke (Arts & Crafts), self-certified in “General Wonders.”

References

• Mona Lisa (smiling, bound by NDA)
• Verrocchio (“He painted one angel and I reconsidered my life”)
• Gravity (unavailable for comment)

Resume: Leonardo da Vinci

Contact

• Location: Florence/Milan/Anywhere with decent notebooks
• Email: write backward in mirror script and hold to candlelight
• Availability: Seeking patronage and/or sturdy ladders

Objective

• To secure a forward-thinking patron willing to fund ambitious cross-disciplinary projects including flying machines, hydraulic cities, and finishing a painting before the century is out.

Summary

• Renaissance polymath with 30+ years of experience in applied curiosity, large-scale murals, and making future scholars argue. Known for elegant sketches, complex perspectives, and prototypes that work flawlessly in theory.

Experience

• Freelance Genius, Self-Employed (1482–1519)

  • Painted Mona Lisa; achieved 500+ years of engagement with one expression.
  • The Last Supper; directed high-stakes wall project with challenging team dynamics and a wall that did not share my commitment to longevity.
  • Vitruvian Man; launched human-centered design by literally centering a human.

• Court Artist & Engineer, Ludovico Sforza, Milan (1482–1499)

  • Landed role via history’s most persuasive cover letter: offered catapults, bridges, pageants, and “a little painting on the side.”
  • Designed armored vehicle prototypes; halted enemies conceptually.
  • Built stage effects that made angels fly safely (most of the time).
  • Drafted plans for an “Ideal City” where streets and rivers behave.

• Chief Cartographer & Military Engineer, Cesare Borgia (1502–1503)

  • Produced maps so precise even future satellites would say “respect.”
  • Fortification audits; delivered constructive feedback to walls.

• Senior Anatomist (Night Shift), Various Hospitals (1490s–1510s)

  • Created anatomical drawings that made muscles feel seen.
  • Invented 3D rendering with only pen, paper, and insomnia.

Skills

• Media: Oil, tempera, sketching, fresco (ongoing relationship)
• Design: Helicopters, parachutes, robots, bridges, musical instruments
• Rapid prototyping: Paper + string + “trust me, it’ll fly”
• Perspective: Linear, aerial, and philosophical
• Confidentiality: Mirror writing (excellent for confusing snoops)
• Stakeholder wrangling: Patrons, popes, princes, apprentices
• Time management: Perfection-oriented deliverables with elastic deadlines
• Languages: Italian, Latin, French, Mirror

Tools

• Notebooks (13,000+ pages), geometry sets, silverpoint, cappuccino stains

Education

• Apprenticeship, Andrea del Verrocchio’s Workshop, Florence
  • Major: Everything; Minor: Making everyone else raise their game

Selected Projects

• The Last Supper: Complex composition, custom adhesives, ongoing patina of “learning experience”
• Flying Machine Program: Achieved sustained imagination with intermittent lift
• Self-Propelled Cart: Early autonomous vehicle; top speed “eventually”
• Ideal City: Transit-oriented canals, sanitation, and vibes
• Mechanical Lion: Walked forward and delivered flowers; also fear

Awards & Honors

• “Most Likely to Sketch During Meetings” (annual, self-awarded)
• Beard of Distinction, 1517–1519
• Eternal Subject of Documentaries (pre-streaming pioneer)

Publications

• Notebooks A–Z-ish: Peer-reviewed by posterity
• Treatise on Painting: Shipping soon since 1500-something

Interests

• Cloud watching, bird mechanics, tinkering, lyre jams, good capes

References

• Michelangelo: Will not say nice things, but you’ll get the truth
• Mona Lisa: Prefers to remain noncommittal
• Available upon request (allow 500 years for delivery)

Leonardo da Vinci
Title: Artist-Engineer-Inventor (Polymath for Hire)
Location: Florence • Milan • Wherever curiosity leads
Contact: carrier_pigeon@vitruv.io | Portfolio: please see literally every notebook I own (written in mirror)

Summary
Multidisciplinary creator with a proven record of painting icons, designing impossible machines, and missing deadlines so epically the art becomes timeless. Adept at turning napkin sketches into world-changing ideas nobody asked for (yet).

Experience
Independent Consultant, Art & Engineering — Various Italian City-States (1482–1519)

• Delivered large-format mural “The Last Supper”; managed complex wall chemistry, stakeholder alignment, and bread inventory. Long-term maintenance contract included (flaking).
• Portrait pipeline lead on “Mona Lisa”; executed infinite iteration cycle on smile curvature. Outstanding engagement metrics for 500+ years.
• Wrote grant proposals to Ludovico Sforza for tanks, machine guns, portable bridges; concepts validated on paper with immaculate cross-hatching. Blocked by 15th-century supply chain.
• Stage effects architect for court spectacles; built automata, flying props, and tasteful explosions. Zero modern fire codes violated (they didn’t exist).
• Hydraulics and urban-planning consultant; proposed “ideal city” with sanitation. Project shelved due to budget, plagues, and time.

Associate, Verrocchio Workshop — Florence (1460s–1470s)

• Contributed angel and landscape to “Baptism of Christ”; brushwork allegedly inspired supervisor’s early retirement. Team impact: measurable.

Projects

• Vitruvian Man: Human-centered design case study; achieved perfect ratio compliance. Went viral without a printing press.
• Flying Machines: Ornithopter and aerial screw MVPs; excellent sketch performance, limited lift in reality. Pivoted to studying birds.
• Anatomy Illustrations: 240+ pages of high-fidelity diagrams. Peer review scheduled for the 19th century.
• Rubber-Band Helicopter: First functional helicopter at the scale of “desk toy.” Product-market fit: children.

Education

• Apprenticeship, Andrea del Verrocchio, Florence — Painting, sculpture, metallurgy, optics, architecture.
• Lifelong self-directed learning; minors in curiosity, clouds, and procrastination.

Skills

• Painting (oil, sfumato), technical drawing, fresco-adjacent problem solving
• Mechanical design, hydraulics, flight concepts, stage engineering
• Anatomy visualization (humans, horses, occasional dragon for morale)
• Stakeholder management across patrons, popes, and puzzled monks
• Writing backward very fast; reading forward when necessary

Tools

• Quill, silverpoint, chalk, egg yolk, questionable varnishes
• Marble, bronze, wood, gears, rope, audacity
• Notebooks (do not store near water)

Awards

• “That Smile” Lifetime Achievement
• Most Interesting Notebook Margins (multi-year winner)

Publications

• Treatise on Painting (posthumous release; classic me)
• Notebooks, scattered across Europe, occasionally discovered in attics

Languages

• Italian (Tuscan), Latin (reading-ish), Mirror

Interests

• Clouds, water vortices, anatomy, birds, gadgets, faces that follow you around a room

References

• Available from monks, dukes, and anyone who has stared at Lisa for too long

Availability

• Immediate. Requires a wall, scaffolding, and an unreasonable amount of sfumato.

Name: Leonardo da Vinci
Title: Polymath, Freelance Genius, Part-Time Time Traveler

Objective

• Secure patronage to finally finish at least one (1) project before inventing three more.

Summary

• Multidisciplinary innovator with experience spanning fine art, military engineering, anatomy, hydrodynamics, aeronautics, stage design, urban planning, and extremely committed doodling.
• Proven track record of making people stare at a painting for centuries.
• Adept at writing in mirror-text to keep coworkers from reading over my shoulder.

Experience

• Independent Artist and Engineer, Various Courts of Italy and France
  1482–1519

  • Led end-to-end development of “The Last Supper,” a wall-sized stakeholder alignment workshop with poor humidity compliance.
  • Delivered “Mona Lisa,” a disruptive smile-as-a-service (SaaS) solution optimizing mystery-driven engagement metrics.
  • Designed siege engines, tanks, and a helicopter (beta). All prototypes met their primary objective of looking extremely cool on paper.
  • Conducted user research on flight (birds) and mobility (horses, also robots dressed as knights).
  • Served as creative director of pageants, temporary architecture, and one very ambitious bronze horse project that turned into a pigeon education program.

• Apprentice, Andrea del Verrocchio’s Workshop, Florence
  1466–1476

  • Painted an angel so good the boss reportedly retired from painting. Team dynamics subsequently “evolved.”

Selected Projects

• Mona Lisa: Increased dwell time by 500+ years; A/B tested smile curvature; successfully launched the “Is she looking at me?” feature.
• The Last Supper: Scaled dinner meeting to 13 attendees with seamless table placement; notable for perspective that could slice bread.
• Codex Atlanticus: 1,119 pages of sketches, notes, to-do lists, and grocery items; the original “everything app,” locked behind my excellent left-handed encryption.

Skills

• Art: Sfumato wizardry, oil glazing, composition, accidental fresco destruction, beard curation.
• Engineering: Siege mechanics, bridges, gears, “maybe don’t stand under this,” hydraulics, robotics (knight).
• Science: Anatomy (after-hours lab access), geology, botany, optics, “counting how many things can be drawn like a spiral.”
• Product: Prototyping, curiosity-driven roadmap, scope expansion, deadline re-interpretation.
• Languages: Italian, Latin, Sketch, Mirror.

Tools

• Brushes, quills, charcoal, compasses, calipers, notebooks (entire forests), left hand set to “mischief.”
• Version control: “New Notebook (Final FINAL v37).”

Education

• Apprenticeship: Andrea del Verrocchio, Florence
• Ongoing postgrad: Poking reality with stick, then drawing it

Awards and Honors

• “Most Enigmatic Smile” Producer (lifetime achievement)
• “Best Use of Perspective to Make a Wall Look Like a Bigger Room”
• Official Royal Genius (France). Job description: “Just… be brilliant near me.”

Publications

• Notebooks (numerous). Topics include: how birds work, how water works, how to draw hands (still hard), and a to-do list that basically says “Build everything.”

Interests

• Flight, water, light, anatomy, the moon, machines that fold clothes (future patent pending), and inventing ways to measure things that haven’t been named yet.

Metrics

• 2.5 completed paintings per decade (intentionally scarce to boost prestige).
• 100% of art historians kept pleasantly employed.
• 0 helicopters actually airborne; 10/10 imagination lift.

References

• Mona Lisa: declines to comment, continues to smirk.
• Ludovico Sforza: available when not in political turmoil.
• François I: “Would hire again; kept castle interesting.”

Availability

• Open to remote work; can commute by parachute prototype (downward only).

Of course! Here is a funny resume for a very famous, very ambitious historical figure.

The Emperor's Residence, Elba (Temporary) | N.Bonaparte@LeGrandEmpire.fr | LinkedIn: /in/NotShortJustStrategic

A results-driven and visionary leader with a proven track record of rapid European expansion, large-scale army management, and aggressive brand-building. Expert in disrupting established markets and overthrowing outdated management structures. Seeking to leverage my extensive experience in conquest and strategic repositioning to secure a high-impact leadership role. My short-term goal is to escape this island. My long-term goal is global domination. I am open to relocation. Extremely open.

Emperor, The French Empire
Paris, France | 1804 - 1814, and for a brief but glorious 100 days in 1815

• Scaled a startup nation into a continental empire, increasing market share from 1 country to most of Western and Central Europe.
• Managed a diverse, cross-cultural team of 600,000+ personnel ("La Grande Armée"), fostering a strong company culture through uniforms and rousing speeches.
• Pioneered a comprehensive legal reform (The Napoleonic Code) that was so successful, it's still being used today. (You're welcome).
• Orchestrated several successful, high-stakes M&A deals (see: Austerlitz, Jena-Auerstedt).
• Oversaw an ambitious, continent-wide product blockade initiative ("The Continental System") with mixed results; quarterly report was admittedly a disaster.
• Reason for Leaving: Downsized by a hostile international coalition. Currently on an involuntary, all-inclusive island sabbatical.

First Consul, French Consulate
Paris, France | 1799 - 1804

• Successfully executed a leveraged buyout of the previous administration (The Directory) in a daring C-suite shake-up known as the "Coup of 18 Brumaire."
• Restored national fiscal stability, ended civil strife, and improved public relations after a period of intense organizational turmoil (The Revolution).
• Grew personal brand from "Promising General" to "Man of Destiny," resulting in a promotion to a lifetime position with a much better hat.

General, French Revolutionary Army
Italy & Egypt Campaigns | 1796 - 1799

• Led a series of highly successful away-from-headquarters projects in challenging international environments.
• Achieved remarkable KPIs against larger, better-funded competitors (Austria, etc.).
• Practiced my "commanding glare" in the desert; discovered several very old, very large triangles. Wrote a memo about the Sphinx's nose, received no reply.

• Strategic Planning: Expert in flanking maneuvers and finding weaknesses in my enemies... I mean, competitors.
• Leadership: Can inspire thousands to march across a continent. Morale is high (until we hit Russia in winter).
• Public Speaking: Can captivate an audience from horseback.
• Risk Management: Not a strength. My operational philosophy is "high risk, high reward."
• Logistics: Excellent at mobilizing large groups; less excellent at providing them with adequate winter wear. It’s a growth area.
• Languages: Fluent in French, Corsican. Conversational in "Shouting at Incompetent Subordinates."

École Militaire | Paris, France
Advanced Degree in Applied Artillery and Ambitious Gazing

Graduated early due to a revolutionary fervor and a pressing need to climb the corporate ladder. Also, everyone else was much taller.

• "Man of the Century" (Self-awarded)
• "Most Iconic Hat," Le Monde Fashion Weekly
• Time Magazine's "Person of the Year" (1804-1812, retroactively)

• Joséphine de Beauharnais: Relationship status is complicated. May provide a glowing review or a tearful one.
• The Duke of Wellington: Do not contact. We have professional differences.
• All of Russia: Do not contact. It's still a sore subject.

Of course! Here is a funny resume for one of history's greatest overachievers.

C/o Château du Clos Lucé, Amboise, Kingdom of France
Homing Pigeon ID: #LdV1452 | Email: LeoTheOriginalOG@codex.net
Portfolio: www.NotJustTheMonaLisa.com/look_at_all_my_stuff

Disruptive and visionary polymath with over 40 years of experience in art, engineering, anatomy, and blue-sky ideation. Seeking a challenging role that leverages my unique ability to master any subject in approximately one weekend. Proven track record of starting an unprecedented number of ambitious projects. Expert in creating solutions for problems nobody knew they had yet (e.g., traffic jams, but for 15th-century battlefields).

Premier Painter, Engineer, and Architect to the King | Kingdom of France | 1515 – 1519

• Served as resident genius and primary conversation partner for King Francis I.
• Consulted on royal architectural projects and managed high-level "what if we..." strategy sessions.
• Designed a mechanical lion that walked and presented lilies from its chest. (Successfully deployed, minimal maulings).
• Enjoyed a comfortable retirement-slash-residency, solidifying my personal brand as “Living Legend.”

Freelance Genius-for-Hire | Rome, Milan, Florence | 1482 - 1513

• Project: The Last Supper. Managed a large-scale, high-visibility mural project for a high-profile dining facility. Pioneered a revolutionary (albeit slightly unstable) paint application technique. Successfully captured the drama of a friend group finding out who unfollowed them.
• Project: The Mona Lisa. Executed a multi-year, small-scale portrait commission. Achieved unprecedented client engagement (subject sat for years) and viral public interest. Perfected the "is she smiling or not?" technique, which remains proprietary.
• Head of R&D, Advanced Military Concepts. Designed next-generation defense hardware for the Duke of Milan, including:
  • Armored Fighting Vehicle (Tank) prototype.
  • Multi-barrel machine gun (Organ Gun).
  • Human-powered flight systems (Ornithopter).
  • Note: Some projects experienced minor, gravity-related setbacks.
• Lead Anatomical Researcher & Medical Illustrator. Conducted in-depth, hands-on studies of human and animal physiology. Acquired materials through... unconventional, after-hours procurement methods. Created illustrations so detailed they made actual doctors uncomfortable.

Apprentice, Verrocchio's Workshop | Florence | 1466 - 1476

• Tasked with painting an angel in the corner of a larger commission.
• Rendered an angel so lifelike and ethereal that my master, Verrocchio, reportedly put down his own brush and retired from painting. (Performance review: Exceeded expectations, possibly too much).

• Artistic: Oil Painting, Fresco (Experimental), Sculpting, Sfumato (proprietary technique), Chiaroscuro.
• Engineering/Technical: Hydrology, Aerodynamics (Theoretical), Mechanical Engineering, Reverse Engineering (birds, bats, etc.), Cartography, Weaponry Design.
• Soft Skills: Ideation, Problem-Solving (if I can't solve it, it's a feature, not a bug), Client Management (patience negotiable), Ambidextrous Mirror-Writing (excellent for secure note-taking).
• Languages: Italian, French (conversational), Obscure Florentine Dialects.

The School of Universal Observation & Relentless Curiosity | Self-Taught

• Major: Literally Everything.
• Minor: Actually Finishing Things.

• Lorenzo de' Medici: “Gave him a silver lyre he built himself. He was great at parties. The paintings... took a while. Very creative guy, though.”
• Niccolò Machiavelli: “Smart. A bit of a dreamer. Would be more effective with a touch more ruthlessness and fewer flying machines. I told him it's better to be feared than loved; he just drew a picture of a bird.”
• Mona Lisa (Lisa del Giocondo): “He’s a perfectionist. I sat there for four years and he STILL said my smile wasn't 'enigmatic' enough. 3/5 stars, lost two for the long wait.”

Of course! Here is a funny resume for a man who was very good at hostile takeovers, calendar reform, and not listening to soothsayers.

1 Optimates Way, The Forum, Rome, 00100, Roman Republic
J.Caesar@SPQR.gov | LinkedIn: /in/TheRealJuliusCaesar

PROFESSIONAL SUMMARY

A results-oriented and visionary leader with over 20 years of experience in military command, political disruption, and large-scale territorial acquisition. Proven ability to build empires from the ground up, manage complex logistical challenges, and inspire unwavering loyalty (results may vary). Seeking a permanent, senior leadership role with opportunities for absolute authority and minimal senatorial oversight.

CORE COMPETENCIES

• Large-Scale Troop Deployment
• Hostile Takeover Strategy
• Siege Warfare & Engineering (Alesia Specialist)
• Populist Brand Management
• Public Speaking & Oration
• Crisis Management
• Alliance Building & Back-Channel Negotiations
• Calendar Reform & Project Management
• Personal Security Assessment (Currently under review)

PROFESSIONAL EXPERIENCE

Dictator for Life (Self-Appointed), The Roman Republic, Inc.
Feb 44 BCE – Mar 44 BCE

• Oversaw all state functions, streamlining bureaucratic inefficiencies through decisive, unilateral action.
• Initiated several large-scale urban renewal and public works projects to boost public morale and cement personal brand legacy.
• Managed the Republic's entire operational budget and strategic direction.
• Reason for Leaving: Resigned due to an aggressive, multi-pronged peer review session that identified 23 critical points of contact.

Consul & Proconsul of Gaul, The Roman Republic, Inc.
59 BCE – 45 BCE

• Led a successful 8-year hostile takeover of the entire Gallic market, expanding Roman asset holdings by approximately 1 million square miles.
• Subjugated over 300 tribal entities, effectively onboarding them into the Roman system.
• Pioneered a decisive, high-stakes market entry initiative by crossing the Rubicon River, demonstrating a commitment to "thinking outside the box."
• Authored detailed field reports and campaign summaries, ensuring transparent communication to shareholders (i.e., the people of Rome).

Pontifex Maximus (Chief High Priest), Roman State Religion Division
63 BCE – Present (It’s a lifetime appointment, I checked.)

• Act as chief compliance officer for all sacred laws, rituals, and divine observances.
• Successfully project-managed and implemented a new, enterprise-wide calendar system (The Julian Calendar), resolving centuries of scheduling drift.
• Provide spiritual guidance and strategic oversight on all matters of public faith and omens (though I tend to ignore the bad ones).

PUBLICATIONS

• Commentāriī dē Bellō Gallicō: A Case Study in Aggressive Market Expansion and Team Management.
• Commentāriī dē Bellō Cīvīlī: An Internal Memo on Corporate Restructuring and Competitive Leadership Challenges.

AWARDS & RECOGNITIONS

• Multiple "Triumphs" (Employee of the Decade Parades)
• Voted "Pater Patriae" (Father of the Fatherland)
• Deified Posthumously (Exceeded all Q4 performance expectations)

REFERENCES

• Marcus Junius Brutus: Previously a strong supporter. Currently unavailable for comment due to a scheduling conflict on the Ides of March.
• Pompey the Great: Relationship has soured following a competitive corporate leadership challenge. In fact, he seems to have lost his head.
• Cleopatra VII, Queen of Egypt: Excellent international partner. References available upon request (and provision of a new kingdom).

Of course! Here is a funny resume for a famous historical character.

The Studio Next to the Arno, Florence, Italy | Carrier Pigeon Only | Portfolio: My numerous, backward-written codices

Synergistic, multi-disciplinary innovator and disruptor with over 40 years of experience in painting, sculpting, engineering, anatomy, and general pontificating. A proven polymath with a track record of conceptualizing revolutionary products centuries ahead of market readiness. Seeking a challenging role that allows for simultaneous project-juggling, creative ideation, and the occasional decade-long portrait session. I bring a unique blend of artistic vision and an almost crippling inability to focus on one project at a time.

• Art & Design: Sfumato, Chiaroscuro, Fresco (Experimental), Portraiture (Specializing in Enigmatic Smiles)
• Engineering: Hydraulic & Mechanical Systems, Early-Stage Aviation R&D, Weapons Systems (Defensive & Offensive)
• Scientific Inquiry: Anatomical Studies (Self-Sourced), Botany, Geology, Cartography
• Project Management: Master of Project Initiation; Proficient in Project Delay; Expert in Project Non-Completion
• Soft Skills: Mirror-Writing, Ideation, Lute Playing, Doodling in Margins, Beard Grooming

Freelance Genius & Consultant | Sforza Family, Milan | 1482 - 1499

• Conceptualized and beta-tested an armored fighting vehicle (see "Tank" prototype); project currently on hold pending invention of internal combustion engine.
• Designed and sculpted "The Great Horse," a 24-foot bronze statue. Successfully completed the full-size clay model before it was used for archery practice by invading French soldiers. (Demonstrates ability to handle unforeseen project setbacks).
• Pioneered a new tempera-on-stone technique for a large-scale mural, The Last Supper. Results were initially groundbreaking, though long-term durability tests are... ongoing.
• Served as in-house party planner, designing elaborate mechanical automatons and stage sets.

Artist-in-Residence (de facto) | Republic of Florence | 1500 - 1506

• Secured the highly competitive commission for the Battle of Anghiari mural. Developed an innovative but ultimately flawed wax-binding technique. Project is... also ongoing.
• Began a small-scale portrait of a local merchant's wife. Still tweaking the background. And the smile. She seems patient.
• Dissected over 30... uh... unclaimed human specimens to create groundbreaking anatomical drawings, significantly advancing human understanding of physiology without any formal HR or legal approval.

Chief Painter, Engineer, and Architect to the King | Francis I, France | 1516 - 1519

• Provided high-level strategic advice, architectural consulting, and general "Renaissance Man" services.
• Acted as a thought partner for the King on various civil engineering projects, most of which remained at the "doodled on a napkin" stage.
• Brought a certain smiling lady portrait to France; it has since become a local attraction.

Apprenticeship, Studio of Andrea del Verrocchio | Florence, Italy
Mastered painting, sculpture, and how to look busier than you actually are.

The School of "Looking at Things and Figuring Them Out" | The Natural World
PhD in Everything (Honorary, Self-Awarded). Ongoing since 1452.

• Flying Machine: Currently in v0.1 alpha. User testing has been... brief.
• Viola Organista: A stringed instrument that sounds like a cello but is played with a keyboard. Patent pending.
• Self-Propelled Cart: Precursor to the autonomous vehicle. Still working out some bugs with the steering.

Lisa Gherardini (Subject of Mona Lisa)
"He's brilliant, but a bit of a perfectionist. I sat for him in 1503. I hear he's still 'just adding one more layer' to my left eyebrow."

Ludovico Sforza, Duke of Milan
"Gave me a stunning plan for a tank, a giant crossbow, and a new irrigation system. None of them were ever built. But the dinner party mural was a hit, for a while. 5/10, would hire for ideation but not execution."

Niccolò Machiavelli
"A true genius, but far too distracted by bird flight and water currents to be a reliable state engineer. Better to be feared than to be waiting for Leo to finish a blueprint."

LEONARDO DI SER PIERO DA VINCI
Milano, Italy | Messenger Pigeon: UNAVAILABLE (keeps flying sideways) | LinkedIn: 500+ connections, all in mirror writing

PROFESSIONAL SUMMARY
Multidisciplinary thought leader with 30+ years experience disrupting the Renaissance through innovative brushstrokes, siege engine optimization, and revolutionary helicopter concepts that definitely work (pending prototype). Proven track record of starting projects and... contemplating them deeply. Seeking remote opportunities with flexible deadlines (preferably 3-5 decades per deliverable).

CORE COMPETENCIES

• Oil Painting (Wet-on-Wet Technique Evangelist)
• Human Dissection (Freelance Anatomist, No Questions Asked)
• Helicopter Design (Theoretical)
• Mirror Writing (Native Fluency)
• Court Entertainment (Lyre, Jokes, General Vibe Management)
• Military Engineering (Giant Crossbow, Additionally Theoretical)
• Mystery Creation (Inc. 1 globally recognized smirk)

PROFESSIONAL EXPERIENCE

Senior Artist-in-Residence & Military Consultant
Duke of Milan (Ludovico Sforza) | 1482-1499

• Oversaw "The Last Supper" fresco, delivered innovative 15-year completion timeline (client initially frustrated, now universally acknowledged as "worth it")
• Designed several war machines; all schematics lost to time but looked extremely cool on paper
• Organized lavish court parties using custom-built self-playing drums; promptly banned after incident with minor duke
• Managed apprentice workshop of 8 painters; 7 quit citing "ambiguous project scope" and "constant corpse procurement"

Independent Contractor
Various Italian City-States | 1472-1519

• Mona Lisa (Work-in-Progress, 1503-Present): Part-time portrait gig now entering 16th year. Client's wife slightly deceased. Committed to "getting it just right"
• Conceptualized flying machine after observing birds; test flights postponed indefinitely due to "gravity"
• Created anatomical sketches from cadaver research; filed under "Things The Church Shouldn't Know About"
• Designed ideal city with plumbing; rejected as "too logical"

EDUCATION
Bachelor of Arts, Unfinished
Workshop of Andrea del Verrocchio | Florence

• Completed apprenticeship in painting, sculpture, and goldsmithing
• Notable achievement: Painted angel so good master never painted again (per corporate legend)
• Minor in "Borrowing Ideas From Everyone But Making Them Better"

SELECTED PROJECTS

• Vitruvian Man: Iconic diagram proving humans fit in circles AND squares. Actually just wanted to see if friend could do jumping jacks in proportion
• Giant Bronze Horse: Commissioned by Duke; 75 tons of clay model completed. Bronze requisitioned for cannons. Project status: It's Fine, I'm Fine

AWARDS & RECOGNITION

• Time Magazine Person of the Year, 1499-1519 (posthumous, backdated)
• "Most Likely to Overthink Paint Drying" – Florence Guild, 1475
• Inducted into the "Left-Handed Genius" Hall of Fame (janitorial staff division)

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT

• Project completion rate: 17% (within "creative visionary" parameters)
• Time management: Strong tendency to abandon paintings for months to study tongue muscles
• Documentation: Write all notes backwards, causing friction with HR
• Follow-through: Flying machine lacks wings, engine, or basic feasibility
• Handshake firmness: Reportedly "unsettlingly soft for a military engineer"

REFERENCES
Available upon request (currently imprisoned, exiled, or deeply exasperated)

BENJAMIN FRANKLIN
Philadelphia, PA | bifocals4lyfe@thegazette.com | @Sage_of_Philadelphia

PROFESSIONAL SUMMARY
Energetic self-starter with 30+ years' experience in printing, publishing, inventing, diplomacy, and casual electricity. Proven track record of turning lightning into clout and bifurcating lenses into bifocals. Seeking new opportunities in retirement (though let's be honest, I'll probably die in a meeting).

CORE COMPETENCIES

• Risk Management (Survived 70+ years without dying of smallpox, gout, or British irritation)
• Bilingual Marketing Campaigns (Successfully re-branded America to the French)
• Time Optimization (Early to bed, early to rise, still found time for 13 illegitimate children)
• Conflict Resolution (Mediated between 13 highly dysfunctional "colleagues")
• Personal Branding (Invented the concept of "work-life balance" while ignoring both)

PROFESSIONAL EXPERIENCE

Senior Ambassador to France | American Colonies, Paris Office | 1776-1785

• Spearheaded $2.5B fundraising campaign using only charisma, wit, and strategic baldness
• Negotiated exit package for British clients from North American operations (Treaty of Paris)
• Cultivated strategic relationships with 47 French aristocratic women (strictly professional)
• Exceeded KPIs: Secured 8 frigates, 20,000 rifles, and one really nice snuffbox

Founding Father & Committee Member | Continental Congress | 1775-1776

• Co-authored viral manifesto ("Life, Liberty, Pursuit of Happiness"—37% engagement rate)
• Edited Jefferson's drafts with passive-aggressive margin notes still visible today
• Successfully avoided all committee work while appearing indispensable
• Attended 89% of meetings slightly drunk on Madeira

Publisher & Content Creator | Poor Richard's Almanack | 1732-1758

• Generated annual recurring revenue through weather predictions and sassy proverbs
• Grew subscriber base to 10,000+ by telling people they're stupid in rhyme
• Cornered market on aphoristic content (e.g., "Fish and visitors stink in three days"—timeless)
• Monetized common sense before it was a LinkedIn hustle

INVENTIONS & INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY

• Bifocal Vision Enhancement Device (1784): Allowed users to see both near and far, revolutionizing the "reading the menu then pretending you weren't" industry
• Lightning-Powered Energy Module (1752): Successfully harvested atmospheric electricity using kite, key, and questionable safety protocols. ROI: Still generating buzz 270 years later
• Franklin Stove (1742): Energy-efficient heating solution. Side effect: Made Philadelphia smell 40% less like wet horse
• Glass Armonica (1761): Musical instrument that sounds beautiful and may cause mild insanity. Banned in some jurisdictions

EDUCATION
Honorary Everything | College of William & Mary, Harvard, Yale, etc. | Awarded after becoming famous
Master's in Being a Teenage Runaway | School of Hard Knocks | 1723
Formal Education | Boston Latin School (Withdrawn—too busy founding things)

REFERENCES
Available upon request (currently: John Adams [grudgingly], King Louis XVI [deceased], my illegitimate son William [estranged])

P.S. - Will work for electricity and/or French courtesans.

BENJAMIN FRANKLIN
Philadelphia, PA | (215) 1-BEN-FRANK | b.franklin@leydenjardi.nk

PROFESSIONAL SUMMARY
Dynamic, results-driven polymath with 50+ years' experience in disruptive innovation, international diplomacy, and content creation. Proven track record of turning lightning into actionable insights. Adept at leveraging bifocal vision to see both the big picture and the granular details. Comfortable with ambiguity, nudity (in cold rooms), and complex political landscapes. Seeking to leverage expertise in electricity, printing, and aphoristic wisdom to scale early-stage American republic.

CORE COMPETENCIES

• Strategic Lightning Capture
• Cross-Platform Almanack Production
• Stove-Based Thermal Optimization
• Bilingual Sass (English/French)
• Swimming with Flotation Devices
• Fart Humor Analysis (published)
• Ambassadorial Schmoozing
• Fly Kite, Collect Data, Don't Die

PROFESSIONAL EXPERIENCE

United States Minister to France | Paris, France | 1776-1785

• Secured $2.7B+ in foreign aid through strategic relationship management and being "super charming at Versailles"
• Increased positive French sentiment toward American independence by 400% via co-branding with Voltaire
• Organized weekly salons that achieved 95% ROI in gossip, intel, and artisanal cheese
• Key Achievement: Convinced France to join war while maintaining perfect alibi of "just being a quirky scientist"

Member, Continental Congress | Philadelphia, PA | 1775-1776

• Co-authored revolutionary document declaring independence from micromanagement and high taxes
• Facilitated cross-departmental collaboration between Adams and Jefferson despite "creative differences"
• Designed early-stage postal system that delivered mail at 3x previous speed (still lost letters occasionally)

Founder & Managing Editor, Poor Richard's Almanack | Philadelphia, PA | 1732-1758

• Generated annual recurring revenue of 10,000+ copies through data-driven proverbs and weather predictions (accuracy: 50%, engagement: 100%)
• Grew personal brand from zero to 18th-century influencer without TikTok
• Pioneered content strategy of "sneaking my opinions into Richard's mouth"

Postmaster General, British America | Colonial America | 1753-1774

• Status: Position terminated due to "creative differences" with management

EDUCATION
Honorary Degrees: Harvard, Yale, William & Mary, Oxford, St. Andrews (basically collecting these like Pokémon cards)
Formal Education: 2 years (highly overrated, self-taught modules more effective)

PUBLICATIONS & THOUGHT LEADERSHIP

• The Way to Wealth (bestseller, still quoted by your uncle at Thanksgiving)
• Fart Proudly (seminal work on digestive acoustics, peer-reviewed by nobody)
• Experiments and Observations on Electricity (shocked the industry, literally)

PATENTS & INVENTIONS

• Bifocals (for seeing both your phone and your laptop)
• Lightning Rod (for protecting your startup's $7M in venture capital)
• Franklin Stove (for "burning brighter than my competitors")
• Glass Armonica (for when you want music that might kill you)
• The Flexible Urinary Catheter (let's not talk about this one)

VOLUNTEER EXPERIENCE

• Freemasons: Senior Warden, "I can neither confirm nor deny the weird stuff"
• Fire Department: Co-Founder, "I'm just here for the calendar"

ADDITIONAL SKILLS

• Fluent in 5 languages: English, French, Latin, Sarcasm, and Aphorism
• Certified in Open Water Kite Flying (single-handedly)
• Proficient in Microsoft Word, Quill & Ink, and Diplomatic Subterfuge
• Interests: Air baths (naked Tuesdays), chess, turkey advocacy, not getting assassinated

REFERENCES
Available upon request (but honestly, I'm Ben Franklin, what more do you need?)

NAPOLEON BONAPARTE
Elba Island, Mediterranean (Remote) | Signal Tower #3 | shortbutmighty@imperialmail.fr

PROFESSIONAL OBJECTIVE
Ambitious self-starter seeking leadership position where I can leverage 15+ years of European reorganization experience. Exceptional at multitasking, strategic planning, and motivating large teams to achieve aggressive quarterly expansion goals. Comfortable with remote work but will require occasional travel to Paris for coronations.

CORE COMPETENCIES

• Continental Systems Implementation
• Artillery-targeted Problem Solving
• Crowd Psychology & Mobility Management
• Self-actualization (crowned myself – saves HR time)
• Fluent in French, Italian, and Condescending Military Jargon

PROFESSIONAL EXPERIENCE

Emperor of the French | 1804–1815

• Expanded company footprint by 750% across Europe while maintaining 60,000+ direct reports
• Reorganized legacy feudal systems into streamlined Napoleonic Code, reducing litigation by 40% and beheadings by a surprising amount
• Led successful rebranding campaign: "France – Now With 100% More Emperor"
• Orchestrated record-breaking Moscow retreat with only 95% team attrition (above industry standard)

First Consul | 1799–1804

• Negotiated complex merger of Three Consulates into One Consul (me)
• Delivered decisive victory at Austerlitz ahead of schedule and under budget
• Implemented "Everybody Gets a Medal™" employee engagement program

Artillery Officer / General | 1796–1799

• Rapidly promoted from Captain to General after demonstrating initiative during a particularly fortuitous revolution
• Developed innovative "March Fast, Attack From Angles Nobody Expects" methodology still used in aggressive sales teams today

EDUCATION
École Militaire, Paris | Class of 1785

• Major: Artillery Science
• Minor: Looking Thoughtful With Hand in Waistcoat
• GPA: 2'3" (that's 5'6" in metric)

ACHIEVEMENTS

• Winner: Time Magazine's 1805 "Most Likely to Be Exiled" (Proven Correct!)
• Successfully placed family members in 6 out of 7 available European monarchies
• Authored 75,000+ love letters (demonstrates excellent written communication skills)
• Held off-screen DLC content for 100 days after main campaign ended

REFERENCES

• Josephine Bonaparte – Ex-wife, Empress Emeritus
  "Great at grand gestures, terrible at coming home on time"
• Duke of Wellington – Former Competitor
  "Would not recommend for roles requiring backup plans"
• Tsar Alexander I – Former Ally (It's Complicated)
  "Shows up uninvited, brings too many houseguests"

AVAILABILITY: Immediate (current employer has me on gardening leave until 1821)

RESUME

NAPOLEON BONAPARTE

"I'm kind of a big deal"

📍 Corsica (but I don't like to talk about it) | ✉️ emperor4life@france.fr | 📱 1-800-NOT-SHORT

OBJECTIVE

Seeking a position of absolute power where I can leverage my skills in empire-building, military strategy, and hand-in-waistcoat posing. Open to relocation (have experience with this).

EXPERIENCE

Emperor of France | Self-Promoted | 1804-1814, 1815

• Managed team of 600,000+ employees across Europe
• Consistently exceeded territorial acquisition targets
• Pioneered "business casual" military attire (bicorne hat, signature hand placement)
• Implemented successful metric system rebranding initiative
• Organized largest company retreat in Russian history (did not go as planned)
• Recognized as "Employee of the Decade" by self

First Consul of France | France | 1799-1804

• Staged most successful internal promotion in company history
• Restructured entire organizational chart (via coup)

Artillery Officer | French Army | 1785-1799

• Started from the bottom, now I'm here
• Exceeded all expectations (literally all of them)

EDUCATION

• Military School, Brienne-le-Château (Voted "Most Likely to Conquer Europe")
• Self-taught in: Crowning oneself, strategic overconfidence

SKILLS

• Battlefield tactics ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
• Waterproofing strategies ⭐
• Winter planning ⭐
• Island living (extensive experience)
• Code writing (Napoleonic Code, not JavaScript)

REFERENCES

Available upon request. Please do not contact: Duke of Wellington, Tsar Alexander I, or anyone from Elba/St. Helena tourism boards.

RÉSUMÉ

JULIUS CAESAR
Veni, Vidi, Vici Enthusiast

📧 JCaesar@RomanEmpire.gov | 📱 I-I-I-V-I-X-IV-IV-IV | 📍 Rome, Italy (the OG one)

PROFESSIONAL SUMMARY

Dynamic leader with 50+ years of experience in conquering, governing, and dramatically monologuing. Proven track record of expanding market share by 300% (of the known world). Excellent at crossing rivers that others say shouldn't be crossed. Named "Dictator for Life" by peers (brief tenure due to unforeseen workplace incident).

WORK EXPERIENCE

Dictator Perpetuo | Roman Republic → Roman Empire | 49-44 BC

• Streamlined government processes by reducing Senate participation by 100%
• Implemented aggressive expansion strategy across Gaul, resulting in complete market domination
• Pioneered "crossing the Rubicon" as corporate idiom for bold decision-making
• Survived 23 performance reviews (all on the same day)

Military Commander | Roman Legions | 58-49 BC

• Managed team of 50,000+ in high-pressure environment
• Completed Gallic campaign ahead of schedule and under budget (if you don't count the massacres)
• Excellent bridge-building skills (literally - built one in 10 days just to flex)

Consul | Roman Republic | 59 BC

• Formed successful triumvirate (original "power trio")
• Improved Roman infrastructure, including Julian Calendar (still receiving royalties)

SKILLS

• Public Speaking (known to bring down the house)
• Strategic Planning
• Salad Naming
• Calendar Reform
• Nepotism (got my guy Octavian the job)
• Ignoring Warning Signs

EDUCATION

Harvard of Ancient Rome

• B.A. in Classical Conquest
• Minor in Crossing Lines That Shouldn't Be Crossed

REFERENCES

Available upon request (but Brutus seems pretty two-faced, so maybe skip him)

RÉSUMÉ

JULIUS CAESAR
Veni, Vidi, Vici Enthusiast

📧 BigCaesar@romemail.com | 📱 I-CAME-I-SAW | 📍 Rome, Italy (and everywhere else, honestly)

PROFESSIONAL SUMMARY

Dynamic, results-oriented military leader and politician with 40+ years of experience in conquest, calendar reform, and salad innovation. Proven ability to cross rivers nobody thought I should cross. Excellent at ignoring warnings about the Ides of March.

WORK EXPERIENCE

DICTATOR FOR LIFE | Roman Republic | 49-44 BCE

• Successfully rebranded "military coup" as "helping Rome"
• Reduced unemployment by hiring legions to invade Gaul
• Improved morale through catchy phrases like "The die is cast!" (focus group tested)
• Initiated casual Friday (toga optional)
• Ended position early due to unforeseen knife-related complications

CONQUEROR OF GAUL | Self-Employed | 58-50 BCE

• Expanded Roman territory by approximately "a lot"
• Authored bestselling memoir "The Gallic Wars" (now required reading in schools!)
• Bridge-building skills: literally and metaphorically excellent
• Managed diverse team of 40,000+ screaming soldiers

CONSUL | Roman Republic | 59 BCE

• Formed successful startup (First Triumvirate) with Pompey and Crassus
• Pioneered "asking forgiveness rather than permission" leadership style

SKILLS

• Public speaking (especially "Et tu, Brute?")
• Calendar management (literally invented a better calendar)
• Strategic planning
• Crossing Rubicons
• Ignoring soothsayers ⭐ (5/5 stars)

EDUCATION

School of Hard Knocks | Kidnapped by Pirates University

• Negotiated own ransom (then came back and crucified them - exceeded expectations!)

REFERENCES

Available upon request (Note: Please don't ask Brutus)

JULIUS CAESAR

Veni, Vidi, Vici (I came, I saw, I crushed it)

📧 BiggestDictator@RomanEmpire.gov | 📱 1-800-ET-TU-BRUTE | 📍 Rome, Italy (the center of the world, obviously)

PROFESSIONAL SUMMARY

Dynamic, results-oriented military leader and politician with 50+ years of experience in conquest, self-promotion, and ignoring Senate recommendations. Proven track record of crossing rivers people told me not to cross. Seeking a position with unlimited power and minimal accountability. Excellent at making enemies and frenemies.

WORK EXPERIENCE

Dictator for Life | Roman Republic | 44 BCE - 44 BCE (March 15th)

• Successfully held position for entire lifetime of role
• Reduced unemployment by creating 23 new job openings in Senate (all knife-related)
• Pioneered "open door policy" - doors stayed open even during fatal meetings

Military Commander | Gaul | 58-50 BCE

• Conquered entire region because someone said I couldn't
• Managed cross-functional team of 50,000+ soldiers
• Excellent bridge-building experience (literal bridges)
• Built wall before it was cool

Consul of Rome | 59 BCE

• Formed dream team with Pompey and Crassus (later regretted this)
• Passed numerous reforms (by which I mean ignored all opposition)

Pontifex Maximus | 63 BCE - 44 BCE

• Head priest despite questionable belief in actual gods
• Primarily used religious authority for political gain
• 10/10 would recommend this career path

EDUCATION

School of Hard Knocks | Rome

• Kidnapped by pirates, ransomed for 50 talents
• Told them I was worth more (great negotiation skills)
• Came back and crucified them all (excellent follow-through)

SKILLS

✅ Military Strategy (undefeated*)
✅ Public Speaking ("Friends, Romans, countrymen..." - wait, that was about me, not by me)
✅ Calendar Reform (July still named after me, you're welcome)
✅ Crossing Rubicons
✅ Ignoring warnings and omens
✅ Dramatic last words
✅ Salad creation (unconfirmed)

*one loss on March 15th

ACHIEVEMENTS

• Conquered Gaul, Britain (kind of), Egypt (with benefits)
• Dated Cleopatra (yes, THAT Cleopatra)
• Had month named after me
• Inspired Shakespeare play 1,600 years after death
• Created "Caesar" as title for rulers (see: Czar, Kaiser, etc.)
• Made stabbing a famous form of political discourse

LANGUAGES

Latin (native), Greek (fluent), Gallic (enough to conquer them)

REFERENCES

Brutus UNAVAILABLE
Cassius ALSO UNAVAILABLE
Marc Antony - (He'll say literally anything I want)
Cleopatra - (Will give glowing review, possibly biased)

HOBBIES

• Writing memoirs about how awesome I am
• Declining kingship (three times, but who's counting?)
• Ignoring soothsayers
• Temple of Venus construction projects
• Avoiding Senate meetings on rainy days (should have done this more often)

"Beware the Ides of March" - Some guy I should have listened to

Marie Antoinette

Versailles Palace, Master Suite (formerly)
Currently: Seeking New Accommodations
📧 LetThemEatCake@RoyalMail.fr | ⚜️ @DefNotMarie

OBJECTIVE

Seeking a position where I can keep my head while others lose theirs. Preferably with generous vacation time and minimal interaction with angry mobs.

EXPERIENCE

Queen of France | 1774-1792
Versailles Palace, France

• Successfully increased palace cake budget by 3,000%
• Pioneered the "if they don't have bread, suggest pastries" customer service model
• Maintained positive attitude despite 100% staff turnover rate
• Organized legendary parties (attendance was literally mandatory!)
• Managed country's finances (into the ground, but with STYLE)

Archduchess of Austria | 1755-1770
Vienna, Austria

• Professional Princess-in-Training
• Excelled at Being Born into Wealth 101
• Graduated summa cum laude in Advanced Waving from Balconies

SKILLS

• Languages: French (with adorable Austrian accent that everyone mocked)
• Fashion: Trendsetter (3-foot hairstyles with live birds - you're welcome, Lady Gaga)
• Budgeting: What's that?
• Crisis Management: Can remain calm while palace is literally being stormed
• Interior Design: Transformed boring palace into Barbie Dream Castle
• Conflict Resolution: "Let them eat cake" (Disclaimer: may not have actually said this)

EDUCATION

Royal Finishing School
Major: Looking Fabulous While Country Burns
Minor: Advanced Ignorance of Peasant Problems

ACHIEVEMENTS

• Time Magazine's "Most Out-of-Touch Person" 1789
• Guinness World Record: Most Expensive Necklace Scandal
• Inventor of "Cottagecore" aesthetic (my fake peasant village was #goals)
• Successfully made entire nation hate me (that takes talent!)
• Posthumously inspired a Sofia Coppola film (finally, someone who understood my aesthetic!)

REFERENCES

• Louis XVI - "She had great ideas! The gambling parlor in the palace was particularly inspired."
• Maximilien Robespierre - "No comment."
• My Hairdresser - "She kept me in business for YEARS. Five stars!"

ADDITIONAL INFORMATION

• Hobbies: Shopping, gambling, pretending to be a shepherdess, light treason
• Dietary Restrictions: Allergic to budgets, common sense, and guillotines
• Available to Start: Immediately (have suddenly found myself with a lot of free time)

"I have seen all, I have heard all, I have forgotten all... especially the part about the revolution coming."

Napoleon Bonaparte

Emperor, General, and Height Enthusiast

📧 napoleon@exileisland.com | 📍 Currently: St. Helena (Not by choice) | 🐦 @NotShortJustFunSize

OBJECTIVE

Seeking world domination opportunities in a fast-paced, expansion-oriented environment. Willing to relocate (again).

EXPERIENCE

Emperor of France | 1804-1814, also 1815 (brief comeback tour)

• Successfully rebranded myself from "random Corsican guy" to "Emperor" through sheer confidence
• Increased French territory by 500% (results not guaranteed to last)
• Invented the "Napoleon Complex" before it was trendy
• Managed direct reports of 600,000+ soldiers (performance reviews were... explosive)

First Consul of France | 1799-1804

• Streamlined government operations by declaring myself in charge
• Implemented the Napoleonic Code (modestly named after myself)

General of the French Army | 1796-1799

• Led successful "workation" in Egypt (pyramids make great backdrops for victory portraits)
• Pioneered the "divide and conquer" management strategy
• Maintained 100% success rate in battles I chose to remember

SKILLS

• Languages: French, Italian, Corsican, Military Grunt
• Special Talents: Looking taller in paintings, hand-in-jacket posing, making exile look temporary
• Software: Microsoft Waterloo (still processing that crash)

EDUCATION

École Militaire | Paris, France

• Graduated 42nd out of 58 (but who's counting?)
• Majored in Artillery with a minor in Overthrowing Governments

ACHIEVEMENTS

• Time Magazine's "Man of the Year" 1799-1812 (self-nominated)
• Invented divorce and immediately tested it
• Set record for "Fastest Round Trip from Exile" (11 months)
• Successfully convinced people that crowning myself was totally normal

REFERENCES

• Duke of Wellington: "Bit of a close call, but I can confirm he shows up to battles"
• Josephine: "No comment"
• Tsar Alexander I: "We used to be friends on Facebook"

Note: Please do not contact my current residence. The British guards screen my mail.

Napoleon Bonaparte

Emperor, General, and Height Enthusiast

📧 napoleon@elba-escape.com | 📱 555-NOT-SHORT | 📍 Currently: St. Helena (Not by choice)

OBJECTIVE

Seeking world domination opportunities in a fast-paced, conquest-oriented environment where my skills in overthrowing governments and renaming countries after myself can be fully utilized. Willing to relocate (whether you want me to or not).

EXPERIENCE

Emperor of France | 1804-1814, 1815 (100 days - but who's counting?)

• Successfully rebranded myself from "random Corsican guy" to "Emperor"
• Implemented innovative "Napoleon Complex" before it was trendy
• Pioneered the "invade Russia in winter" strategy (0/10, would not recommend)
• Achieved record-breaking speedrun from Emperor to exile (twice!)

First Consul of France | 1799-1804

• Promoted myself to Emperor (excellent self-advocacy skills)
• Established the Napoleonic Code (basically copy-pasted but with my name on it)

General of the French Army | 1796-1799

• Won multiple battles while standing on tippy-toes
• Conquered Egypt; lost fleet; called it a "strategic retreat"
• Abandoned army in Egypt to pursue better opportunities in France (strong prioritization skills)

EDUCATION

École Militaire, Paris

• Graduated 42nd out of 58 (C's get degrees AND empires, apparently)
• Majored in Artillery, Minored in Coup d'États

SKILLS

• Languages: French (fluent), Italian (native), English (learning against my will on this godforsaken island)
• Military Strategy: Expert at everything except Russian winters and Waterloo
• Software: Proficient in MS Paint (for drawing battle plans), Napoleon: Total War (high score holder)
• Special Skills: Can fit inside standard-sized coffins, exceptional hand-in-jacket posing

ACHIEVEMENTS

• Time Magazine's "Person of the Year" 1804-1812 (self-nominated)
• Inventor of canned food (armies march on their stomachs!)
• Set record for "Most European Coalitions Formed Against a Single Person" (7!)
• Inspired a complex, a pastry, AND a dynamite

REFERENCES

• Duke of Wellington - "Please don't contact"
• Tsar Alexander I - "We're not friends anymore"
• Josephine - "It's complicated"
• My height - "5'7" is AVERAGE for the time period!"

ADDITIONAL INFORMATION

• Availability: Immediately (seriously, get me off this island)
• Salary Requirements: One European continent
• Weaknesses: Brittish naval forces, Russian winters, the letter 'W' (Waterloo, Wellington, Winter...)

P.S. - To the British guards reading this: This is a JOKE. I'm DEFINITELY not planning another escape. Honest.

Napoleon Bonaparte

Emperor, General, Island Enthusiast

📧 napoleon@exileisland.com | 📍 Currently: St. Helena (Not by choice)

OBJECTIVE

Seeking world domination position in established European nation. Willing to relocate (again). Height is NOT a factor.

EXPERIENCE

Emperor of France | 1804-1814, 1815 (100 days - but who's counting?)

• Successfully rebranded myself from "random Corsican guy" to "Emperor"
• Increased French territory by 300% (temporarily)
• Invented new management style: "Nepotism" (literally named after me!)
• Streamlined European travel by removing all those pesky borders

General of the French Army | 1796-1815

• Won 48 out of 58 battles (83% success rate - take that, performance review!)
• Pioneered innovative retreat from Moscow (strategic backward advancement)
• Expert in winter warfare (Note: Do NOT ask for references from Russia)

SKILLS

• Languages: French, Italian, Corsican, Dramatic Proclamations
• Special Talents: Looking good on horseback, hand-in-jacket posing, making my siblings royalty
• Software: Microsoft Exile, PowerPointless Negotiations

EDUCATION

• École Militaire, Paris - Graduated 42nd out of 58 (started from the bottom!)
• Self-taught in "How to Crown Yourself Emperor" (YouTube wasn't available)

NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENTS

• Invented my own legal system (Napoleonic Code - still used today, you're welcome)
• Sold Louisiana to Americans (biggest garage sale ever)
• Escaped from exile (1/2 times - 50% success rate)
• Time Magazine's Person of the Year, 1805 (Citation needed)

WEAKNESSES

• British Navy
• Russian winters
• Wellington (that lucky bastard)
• Occasionally too ambitious
• Stomach problems (possibly British poisoning, investigating)

REFERENCES

• Josephine - "He's complicated but ambitious"
• Marie Louise - "No comment"
• Duke of Wellington - Please don't contact
• Tsar Alexander I - Number disconnected

P.S. - Waterloo was a fluke. Available for immediate start.

Here is a professional resume for Henry VIII.

HENRY TUDOR, VIII

CEO, Monarch, & Supreme Head of the Church (UK Branch)
Hampton Court Palace, London | HenryT@TudorCorp.uk | @TheRealDefenderOfTheFaith

Aggressive, larger-than-life executive with 38 years of experience in absolute governance, hostility takeovers, and ecclesiastical restructuring. Proven track record of cutting overhead (and heads). Passionate about heir production and naval expansion. Not a team player.

King of England & Ireland
The Tudor Dynasty, London | April 1509 – January 1547

• Corporate Restructuring: Successfully initiated a "Pre-Brexit" strategy by severing all ties with the Rome HQ. Established a proprietary startup (Church of England) to bypass bureaucratic red tape regarding annulments.

• Asset Liquidation: Spearheaded the "Dissolution of the Monasteries" initiative, effectively seizing 100% of assets from competitor clergyman to fund personal gout treatments and wars with France.

• Talent Acquisition & Retention: Managed a high-velocity spouse rotation program. Maintained a 16% survival rate for wives.

• Naval Architecture: Founded the Royal Navy. Increased fleet size from 5 to 50 ships (mostly to compensate for personal insecurities).

• Event Planning: Organized the "Field of the Cloth of Gold," a corporate retreat so expensive it nearly bankrupted two nations for a glorified glamping trip.

• Project Aragon: (1509–1533)

  • Outcome: Sunsetted due to failure to deliver male KPIs.

• Project Boleyn: (1533–1536)

  • Outcome: Terminated with extreme prejudice. Head of Department removed.

• Project Seymour: (1536–1537)

  • Outcome: Project success (Male heir delivered). Manager died during launch.

• Project Cleves: (1540–1540)

  • Outcome: Cancelled immediately upon unboxing. Product did not match the portrait (First recorded instance of "Catfishing").

• Project Howard: (1540–1541)

  • Outcome: Terminated due to breach of NDA (Non-Dallying Agreement).

• Project Parr: (1543–1547)

  • Outcome: Outlived the CEO.

• Hard Skills: Jousting (retired due to injury), Lute composition (wrote "Pastime with Good Company," check my SoundCloud), French warfare, Fortress building.

• Soft Skills: Gaslighting the Pope, Gluttony, Intimidating subordinates, Mansplaining theology to Bishops.

Homeschooled by Renaissance Scholars
Focus: Latin, Astronomy, and believing I am God’s anointed representative on Earth.

• Defender of the Faith (Awarded by Pope Leo X, 1521).
  • Note: I kept the title even after he excommunicated me. It looks good on the letterhead.
• Best Calves in Europe (Self-proclaimed, 1515-1525).

Thomas Wolsey
Lord Chancellor
(Current Status: Deceased - died of stress trying to get me a divorce).

Thomas More
Lord High Chancellor
(Current Status: Deceased - Head removed for lack of loyalty).

Thomas Cromwell
Chief Minister
(Current Status: Deceased - Head removed for setting me up with Anne of Cleves).

(Note: I am currently out of references who still have their heads attached.)

Here is a professional resume for King Henry VIII, arguably the worst HR manager in history.

HENRY TUDOR (THE EIGHTH)

Address: Hampton Court Palace, The Big Room, London
Email: DefenderOfTheFaith@tudormail.com
LinkedIn Status: “It’s Complicated”
Phone: +44 (0) 1509-HEADS-OFF

Results-oriented Monarch with 38 years of experience in absolute power, aggressive corporate restructuring, and extreme religious pivoting. Specialist in succession planning (eventulally) and hostile takeovers. Passionate about minimizing bureaucratic red tape, especially when said tape comes from the Pope. Looking for a position that offers unlimited food, absolute obedience, and a relentless quest for a male intern.

CEO & Supreme Head
Church of England (Start-up) | London, UK | 1534 – Present

• Successfully disrupted the religious market by founding a local competitor to the Roman Catholic Church.
• Implemented a massive "asset liquidation" strategy by dissolving over 800 monasteries and seizing their wealth to fund personal lifestyle adjustments and wars with France.
• Streamlined the divorce application process from "Forbidden by God" to "Whatever I say goes."

King of England
The Throne | London, UK | 1509 – Present

• Maintained a 0% approval rating from the Vatican but a 100% approval rating from people who wanted to keep their heads.
• Expanded the Royal Navy from 5 to 50 ships (mostly to compensate for other insecurities).
• Hosted the "Field of the Cloth of Gold" corporate retreat; burned through the national budget for a two-week glamping trip with the King of France.

A detailed breakdown of my aggressive recruitment strategies and rapid turnover rate.

• Project Aragon: (24 Years). Outcome: Redundant. Failed to meet "Male Heir" KPI. Contract annulled due to technicalities found in Leviticus.
• Project Boleyn: (3 Years). Outcome: Terminated with extreme prejudice. Head of Operations removed (literally).
• Project Seymour: (1 Year). Outcome: Success! Delivered the deliverables (Edward VI). Project Manager died during product launch.
• Project Cleves: (6 Months). Outcome: False Advertising. The portrait did not match the candidate. First recorded instance of administrative "Catfishing." Transitioned role to "Beloved Sister."
• Project Howard: (2 Years). Outcome: Fired for misconduct. Youthful energy did not mesh with company culture (my ulcerated leg).
• Project Parr: (3 Years). Outcome: Survived the toxic work environment.

• Legislation: Expert at passing Acts of Attainder (execution without trial).
• Music: Composed "Greensleeves" (allegedly). Top 10 Lute player in the Home Counties.
• Dietary Excellence: Capable of consuming 5,000 calories per meal. Can identify 12 types of venison by taste alone.
• Conflict Resolution: My way or the Tower.
• Jousting: Retired due to workplace injury.

Homeschooled by the Best Tutors in Europe

• Majors: Theology, Latin, Astronomy.
• Minors: Excessive Tennis, Gluttony.

• Defender of the Faith (Awarded by Pope Leo X). Note: Award currently under dispute/revoked.
• Best Calves in Christendom (Self-awarded, 1515).
• Most Debt ACCUMULATED by an English Monarch (Winner).

Cardinal Thomas Wolsey
(Unavailable - died partly out of sheer stress).

Thomas More
(Unavailable - decapitated for refusing to sign updated Terms & Conditions).

Thomas Cromwell
(Unavailable - decapitated for setting me up on a bad blind date).

Note: Further references available upon request, provided the referees are still alive.

Here is a resume for Genghis Khan, written in the style of an aggressive modern corporate executive.

GENGHIS KHAN

Founder & CEO, The Mongol Empire
The Steppes, Central Asia | 555-HORSE-LRD | temujin.wins@gmail.com
LinkedIn: /in/universal-ruler

High-energy, results-oriented Founder with a proven track record in aggressive market expansion, hostile takeovers, and international logistics. Expert in unifying fragmented teams and eliminating competition (literally). Self-starter who built the world’s largest contiguous land empire from an entry-level yurt. Willing to travel (extensively).

• Hostile Mergers & Acquisitions: Acquired 12 million square miles of real estate without a single lawyer.
• Human Resources: Introduced strict meritocracy; promoted talent based on ability to shoot an arrow 200 yards while riding backward, not nepotism.
• Supply Chain Management: Pioneer of the "live off the land" inventory strategy (pillaging).
• Change Management: Successfully rebranded "barbarian hoard" to "unstoppable administrative machine."

THE MONGOL EMPIRE — Various Locations (Everywhere)
Founder & CEO | Spring 1206 – August 1227

• Global Expansion: Spearheaded a multi-continental expansion strategy, successfully penetrating the Chinese, Persian, and Russian markets. Increased market share by 10,000%.
• Staff Turnaround: Reduced global carbon footprint by significantly downsizing the world population (approx. 11% reduction in headcount).
• Communication Infrastructure: Founded the Yam (pony express), ensuring memorandums regarding "total surrender" were delivered 50% faster than competitors.
• Conflict Resolution: Adopted a zero-tolerance policy for resistance. Resolved complex diplomatic disputes by leveling cities and salting the earth.
• Diversity & Inclusion: Integrated engineers, doctors, and scribes from captured demographs into the workforce. (Note: Refusal to integrate resulted in immediate termination).

BORJIGIN CLAN — Mongolia
Team Lead / Start-up Principal | 1180 – 1206

• United warring tribes under a single vision statement: "Conquer everything."
• Overcame early career setbacks (slavery, exile, poverty) to achieve Employee of the Decade.
• Developed "The Yasa" (Code of Law), streamlining corporate compliance. Theft of horses now punishable by death. Actually, pretty much everything now punishable by death.

University of the Steppe
Ph.D. in Psychological Warfare & Horse Archery

• Thesis: “The Wall of China: A Minor Inconvenience.”

• Honors: Voted "Most Likely to Be Ancestor to 0.5% of the Entire Male Population."

• Languages: Mongolian (Native), Chinese (Broken), Persian (Screamed), The Sound of Lamentations (Fluent).

• Technical: Siege Warfare, Catapult Calibration, Yurt Assembly, Recurve Bow.

• Soft Skills: Intimidation, Delegating Executions, Endurance Riding.

• Falconry.

• Tengriism (Sky God worship).

• Work-life balance (I live in my office, which is a horse).

• Driving my enemies before me.

Ogedei Khan (Son/Successor)
"Dad was tough. He once grounded me for not sacking a city fast enough. Great leader, though."

The Shah of Khwarezmia
(Reference unavailable due to molten silver being poured into eyes/death).

Here is a professional resume for Genghis Khan.

GENGHIS KHAN (née Temüjin)

Address: The Big Yurt, The Steppe (Currently Mobile)
Phone: +976 1206 (Ask for the Great Khan)
Email: scourge.of.god@mongolmail.net
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/hostile-takeovers

Highly motivated and results-oriented Founder/CEO with a proven track record of aggressive market expansion. Expert in uniting fragmented teams, dismantling silos (and city walls), and implementing high-impact supply chain logistics across the Eurasian continent. Self-starter who grew a small family startup into the largest contiguous land empire in history. Willing to travel (extensively).

• Hostile Takeovers: Expert in acquiring assets, territories, and civilizations against their will.
• Corporate Restructuring: Effective at eliminating redundant middle management (local kings/counts) to streamline decision-making.
• Remote Work: Pioneered the "Work from Horse" model.
• Brand Awareness: Strong personal brand; known globally as "The Flail of God."
• Language Skills: Mongolian (Native), Sword (Fluent), Fear (Proficient).

FOUNDER & SUPREME LEADER
The Mongol Empire | The Steppe to The Sea
1206 – 1227

• Global Expansion: Spearheaded an aggressive growth strategy, increasing territory ownership by 12 million square miles in under 20 years.
• HR & Team Building: Unified warring tribal factions into a cohesive workforce through a visionary incentive program (loot sharing) and strict disciplinary protocols (beheading).
• Innovation: Revolutionized warfare logistics by introducing the "meritocracy" system; promoted generals based on kill-death ratios rather than nepotism.
• Infrastructure: Revitalized the Silk Road trade route, ensuring 100% safety for merchants (provided they paid the vigorous protection tax).
• Legacy Planning: Personally contributed to long-term demographic shifts; current analytics suggest 0.5% of the modern male population are my direct descendants.

FREELANCE WARLORD
Various Locations | Mongolia
1180 – 1206

• Conflict Resolution: Successfully negotiated the end of the Tatars, Keraits, and Naimans tribes by completely erasing them from existence.
• Crisis Management: Overcame early career setbacks—including poverty, kidnapping, and betrayal—to pivot into the global domination sector.
• Networking: Established strategic alliances with blood brothers (andas) before severing ties when business objectives no longer aligned.

University of The Hard Knock Life
Ph.D. in Psychological Warfare & Archery

• Thesis: "Walls are just suggestions: A study in siege engineering."
• Extracurriculars: Wrestling, Falconry, Drinking Fermented Mare’s Milk.

• Millennium Magazine: "Man of the Millennium" (Winner).
• Great Wall of China Reviews: "1 Star - Would not recommend inviting him over" (Critic).
• Baghdad Urban Planning Committee: "Most disruptive renovator" (1258, awarded posthumously to estate).

• Open floor plans ( I hate walls).
• Equestrian sports.
• Accumulating vast amounts of gold and silk.
• Relaxing in a yurt listening to the lamentations of my enemies.

• Kublai Khan (Grandson): "Pop-pop had big dreams. Big, violent dreams."
• The Sultan of Khwarezmia: (Unable to reach for comment due to molten silver incident).